SEO, as you will know, stands for Search Engine Optimisation. We do it in-house, and we’re reasonably good at it. Of course, we could be a lot better.

But every hour we get emails from hopefuls who have stumbled across our URL and want to help us improve our rankings. Here’s one which was cooked up earlier:

Please forgive the direct approach. My name is Alan and I work as a Consultant in your market sector. I have been looking at your website today and would like a few minutes of your time to have an informal chat with you.

I really like the site, but you may be curious as to why the site isn’t ranking, and with that in mind I wondered if you would like a free SEO audit of the site looking at keyword density and a detailed analysis of the back link profile.

That should give you an excellent insight, and hopefully allow us to develop a plan for getting the site into some top positions.

The audit is FREE and with no obligation. So do please get in touch.

Kind Regards

Alan

At least it was polite. And it came from Britain. Were I to reply to him, this is what I’d like to say:

Hi Alan

Thanks for your email.

You are not a known consultant in our market sector.

You write: “I really like the site, but you may be curious as to why the site isn’t ranking,”

Well, it is ranking. And it’s ranking exponentially better than yours. Your site’s Alexa ranking is 22,713,269.

Ours is 52,212.

It works in reverse — the lower the number, the higher the ranking. So your site is virtually invisible to the outside world.

And you want to sell us your advice?

But I can’t be bothered. I’m too busy waiting for the fotoLibra RAID 5 array to rebuild and for our very high-ranking site to be fully functional again.